Family Life: Dealing With Difficult Relatives

Summer is almost upon us. It’s time to break out the BBQ grill, the sun tan lotion, and for many, it’s time for family vacations that involve visiting relatives. And while we may dream of postcard perfect times that create wonderful family memories for our children as well as ourselves, that’s not always the case.

For many, these dreams can quickly become a nightmare when challenging personalities are put together for an extended period of time. This is especially true if you have relatives who don’t share the same parenting ideas  or Christian values as your family.

Yes, of course, picture perfect families, who blend very well together and enjoy family vacations, visits, and even hotel sharing without a hitch, do exist…but for the rest of us, here are some tips that will ensure that family vacations and get-togethers can be “relatively” stress free…(pun intended)

Getting a Game Plan Beforehand

Planning ahead is clearly your best strategy. As parents, one of your priorities is to protect your children from harm — emotional, physical, and spiritual. At the same time, spending time with extended family is important, so get your plan of action together by discussing the following issues with your spouse:

• Are there certain relatives whose behavior actually puts your children at risk or is it simply annoying?
• Are there gatherings that will involve alcohol and tobacco? If so, do you want your children to attend?
• Are there certain issues that you’d rather not have discussed in front of your children, such as certain subject matter, possibly a past marriage, or other touchy subjects that may hurt your children emotionally? Are there certain relatives who seem to always bring up subjects that cause awkward and uncomfortable situations?
• Are there members of your extended family who have a history of being unpredictable and causing conflict?

Once you discuss the issues above and decide  where lines should be drawn, it’s perfectly acceptable to contact family members to let them know where you stand. How do you do this?

A phone call before the visit should be enough. First of all, don’t bring up past situations if you don’t have to, and don’t discuss things through a third party. Let’s say your brother has a habit of bringing up your ex-wife, sharing colorful stories, and creating awkward situations. If your brother will be present at any of the get-togethers, go ahead and place a call beforehand letting your brother know how excited you all are about the upcoming vacation. Also mention that your children are getting older and able to pick up on situations and the meaning of conversations. Explain the values you desire to teach your children, and ask him to honor them.

When speaking to family members about delicate situations and subjects, keep Ephesians 4:2 in mind,

Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.

How to Deal With a Worst Case Scenario

On a final note, if you’ve done all you can beforehand, but something still goes terribly wrong, don’t be afraid to take action. If a relative’s behavior becomes hostile or offensive, you can privately speak to them, explaining the inappropriateness of their actions. If it continues, remember…family first. Politely bow out of the situation or event and take your family elsewhere.

Now, bowing out doesn’t mean packing up and going home. If a certain event gets a bit out of hand for your family, take them for an ice cream or a leisurely drive. Fine a park or something to do together as an alternative to the event. Chances are, when you all return and start over the next day, things will be fine.

Does extended family take work? You bet it does. It also takes discernment, self control, and discernment, but family is family…so learning to deal with these situations in the most Christ-like manner possible is the key to actually achieving those “postcard perfect” summer vacations!